Today. …. I am Broken

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Today was a very busy day.  Shane’s birthday last week really got to my head.  Been having mind clarity and hard time remembering things.  I really really needed him today and I couldn’t so much as call him. It is not Amy help that a girl from his past messaged me on fb to tell me how in love with him she was. Honestly,  many many women loved Shane.  I was so blessed to be the only one he loved. I’m not used to this.  How do you respond?  Jealousy overcame me.  Fully knowing they had zero romantic involvement, how dare she even think he would be with her. My friend put a perspective on it.  Maybe she thought I would understand how she felt.  I asked the girl for forgiveness for coming off strong. To be honest,  she was the only girl I could actually respond to. The others I could only read their comments on his online obituary. I needed him today.  I needed to know that he was only mine, even though I  know that he was. Today,  I am broken.  Not because of these girls who would  have killed to be his. But because I desperately need him to be my Husband. To help me through this life. To come to my rescue when I do stupid things like lock my keys in my car.  To hold me like he did without moving  during the night.  To kiss me and hug me.  And sit with me for hours studyig the Word and talking about our future. I’m reminded so much of how epically I fail God. And how God only has brought me comfort,  peace, and mercy.  Giving me grace when I know I shouldn’t be doing something or feeling a particular way and I allow it anyway.  I am truly sorry for my jealousy and anger towards that girl.  I ask not only for her
forgiveness but I plead it of God. I keeping hearing how strong I am.  How inspiring I am.  It’s not me people,  never in a million years is me. I am standing because God is holding me up. I am moving forward because Jesus is carrying me,  I can’t move.  I don’t breakdown because everyday I ask for the Holy Spirit to bring me comfort, peace, and joy.  The fruit of the Spirit. Today,  I am broken.  And I allow myself to feel these emotions.  Jesus,  is all that matters.  Where you end up is all that matters.   Everything I feel,  every bit of loneliness, hurt, pain, sorrow, regret, and agony, will disappear.  It sounds crazy to normal ears but I cannot wait until I go home to Heaven. Until then,  I’m trying to stay in God’s will for my life.  It’s OK,  to be upset.  It’s OK to feel things.  It’s OK, to cry.  It’s OK. …. to be broken. Cry out to the Lord and let Him bring you back together.

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